How to sleep
If you've ever wanted to know what I'm like in bed, this is the week you find out (via some shouty chat about the evils of scatter cushions and screens in the bedroom).
Disclaimer, before I say anything else
I do not have children. I am aware that my bed and available sleep time would likely look markedly different if I did.
Why we sleep
This chap can and does explain it a lot better than I can. But sleep is FUCKING IMPORTANT and a lack of it WILL KILL YOU1.
I also take bed Very Seriously. I was parted from mine for 3 years whilst travelling and gave actual whimpers of joy the first night I got back into it2.
The bedroom
Mood
This will depend enormously on how much space you have - and it’s at a premium for many - but, ideally, your room should be the place that you sleep and not have too much other shiz in it.
A home office in your bedroom is not conducive to sleep, for example.
Lighting
Obviously, obviously, bedside lamps are imperative. Make sure they have warm, not cool, bulbs in them.
Spotlights in the bedroom were super fashionable in the UK about 20 years ago and are abominable. If you inherited these when you bought a house, get a dimmer put on them if you can’t afford to replace them. If you’re renting, buy enough lamps that you need never use the overhead lighting.
The most important thing
No screens. None. Nope3.
Categorically: do not have a TV in your bedroom. I could write another 3,000 words on this topic alone, but save us all some time and just DO NOT.
Leave your phone/laptop/tablet whatever in another room. You do not need your phone as an alarm clock. Just buy an alarm clock. This one’s only a tenner. Or get a Pure radio, they’re lovely.
Do not fall into the trap of: I just have to finish some work up in bed. Bed is not for work. Bed is not for working, binge-watching or doom-scrolling.
Bed is for sleep, Special Hugs and, on very special occasions, eating a kebab in45.
If you feel you need to have your phone available In Case Of An Emergency, just charge it out on the landing. If it rings, you can answer it, it will still be there.
You can read a book or a low-tech e-reader in bed, but flickering screens are the death knell to a night of peaceful slumber.
The bed
Just make sure it’s big enough. I have a personal rule that a bed has to be wider than I am long. That’s relatively achievable for me, because I’m only 5ft 46, but I still think it’s the right rule of thumb.
If you’re sharing the space, anything less than 5ft 6 wide is madness.
The Americans are right on this one. Big beds are THE WAY.
Also, if you are a sexually active person, I urge you not to buy an upholstered/fabric headboard. Sex involves fluids and is often most fun when those fluids get messy7. Wood and metal can be easily cleaned. Live a little.
Be aware that feng shui advises that you should allow air to flow freely below the bed - don’t cram that space with stuff. Bedding and soft things are permitted, but you should still leave as much ‘through’ space as possible under the bed. Definitely do not store your tax documents or sad memories under there. There are a million feng shuo bedroom guides out there, here is one.
The mattress
Get memory foam if it brings you joy. Some don’t enjoy the sensation (or the smell, when new).
I enjoy a pocket-sprung.
Whichever, the adage about spending as much as you can on your shoes and your mattress holds true.
Make sure you flip yours at least every 6 months.
The bedding
Natural fibres only, for the love of God.
Here is my setup:
Goose down mattress topper
A mattress topper is absolutely non-negotiable. Want to feel like you’re sleeping on a cloud? Mattress topper.
Electric blanket
I wrote about mine here recently
Goose down duvet
Always buy your duvet at least one size bigger than your bed.
If you share a bed, consider buying separate duvets.
I like to be ludicrously hot in bed8 so I have a 13.5 tog for winter and a 4.5 tog for summer. Some years, I do not switch to my summer duvet.
Cotton weighted blanket
I love mine, but I quite enjoy feeling compressed in bed. When I get into a hotel bed for the first time, I always try to ease into the sheets without pulling them back9.
I got one of these when I had fairly significant anxiety and felt that I slept better almost immediately.
This is mine. I read approximately 1,000,000 reviews before committing and am thrilled with it. However, it’s now £299. I bought mine for £168 five years ago. Maybe wait for the Sales?
Goose down pillows
Be aware that many of us sleep with more pillows that we need. The advice is to only have one under your head as otherwise your neck will be under unnecessary strain.
It can be a good idea to have a pillow under your knees if you’re a side sleeper.
It is also advisable to have pillows available during The Physical Act Of Love to prop limbs up and enable otherwise tricky angles10, but no-one needs more than 4 pillows on the bed, even if there are two of you sharing it.
Also, there is no need to have scatter cushions on your bed. Like, really. Give yourself back the minute a day that you spend taking them off the bed at night and the minute a day you spend putting them back on the bed in the morning. Use these 2 minutes to wash and moisturise your face. Or to floss. Both of these things are more important than excess soft furnishings.
Cotton 600 thread count sheets
I went up to 1,000 before I realised that anything above 600 is too slippery for me.
My sheets are always white. It’s fine if yours aren’t.
My absolute favourites are by M&S but I’ve just realised that they’ve discontinued them. This is sacrilege11.
Linen bedspread
I really want one of these, but they’re sold out at the moment.
Silk pillowcase
This actually does work at reducing frizz and hair breakage. I’m working Very Hard to rectify the ruination of my hair after 3 years of salt water and sunshine12 and this has genuinely made a difference.
I just bought one relatively randomly from Amazon after checking that it was definitely made of 100% mulberry silk13.
These also help with acne as they’re non-drying.
If you sweat a lot at night, silk is also moisture-wicking.
I did try to get on board with a silk bonnet, but I looked like a mushroom and I found it bulky and annoying on my head. I may reattempt at some point, but it’s a no from me for now.
2 final thoughts on bedding
As the book suggests, making your bed is important. It took me until lockdown to do it consistently14, but the effort vs reward is undeniable.
Cumulatively, this lot is mother expensive, but I didn’t buy it all in one go and I’m not suggesting you should either. And it should all last you at least a decade.
I also didn’t pay full price for anything listed above. The Big Sales and signing up for discount codes15 are your friend here. Keep a list of what you want and check in once in a while until you see something at a price you like or when you realise you want it at any price, if that day comes.
What I wear
I sleep naked16.
I have a few bits17 for decorum, and also because sometimes I put on pyjamas to get out of bed. I love Arket for this and own basically everything on this page, as well as many other bits that they’re apparently currently not stocking.
If you want a nighttime skincare routine, I cover this here:
Getting to sleep
I suffered from insomnia pretty badly for a few months18 as a student. Even now, I manage anxiety around not sleeping - because worrying about sleeping is about the best way to not fall asleep.
None of the hot drink/routine/medication routes ever worked for me, but these did and some still do:
Always try an orgasm first. You have literally nothing to lose. Absolute worst case, you have an orgasm and are awake. There’s no downside here. Fun for 1, 2 or more people, depending on your current romantic situation.
Counting backwards from 100. It works because it’s boring enough to be tedious, but not so straightforward that you can rattle through it without thinking. I rarely get to 30.
There are amazing ‘boring’, sleep-inducing podcasts out there19.
My favourite is Sleep And Sorcery which tells fantasy and myth-related stories, not one of which I have ever been awake to hear the end of.
I Can’t Sleep is great, but is way more ad-heavy, which can be jarring
Some people love Sleep With Me; his voice drives me up the wall.
NB If you go down the podcast route, make sure you change your settings to *not* autoplay the next episode.
Insight Timer has 1000s of fantastic free meditations, soundscapes, affirmations and manifestation practices. I’ve fallen asleep to many a soundbath from here.
Changing location. I sometimes move and sleep on the sofa and even the bedroom floor. This is Last Resort stuff, but often works in a Def Con 5 sleep situation.
Waking up again
I bought one of those alarm clocks that’s supposed to mimic sunrise and I did not care for it AT ALL, not least because I could never work out how to turn it off. And I am a clever person.
If you want to check your sleep quality, I love my Oura 420, which provides veritable oceans of data. I had a Fitbit, which was ok, but nowhere near as detailed.
Incidentally, if you’re going to tell me that you need your phone in your bedroom for an app to monitor your sleep quality, I will tell you that your sleep quality will improve the instant that you stop sleeping in the same room as your phone.
Sleep well x
And, frankly, every night since
Actually, you can have a Kindle. But just the e-reader, not the Fire. I SEE YOU.
Over a towel, I’m not an animal
‘Kebab’ is not a euphemism in this instance
164cm
HOTELS SHOULD CERTAINLY NOT HAVE UPHOLSTERED HEADBOARDS 🤢🤢🤢
I am kinky AF
I first - indelibly - learned this when I read my parents’ copy of The Encyclopedia Of Love And Sex cover to cover when I was about 10. I knew stuff that no 10-year-old should know 😳. But, some of it came in handy many years later…
For an in-depth overview of bedding - for which I do not have the time or space here - this recent article from the Guardian is decent
This is for context only, I’m not expecting sympathy for this most First World of problems
As with a lot of stuff on Amazon, there are a plethora of Chinese knockoffs that are Not As Advertised
As frequently mentioned, I have ADHD so profound that it’s a miracle that I’m even typing this sentence
Much of the advice in the Shopping Guide will apply here.
This sometimes leads to situations like this when I’m a house guest/sharing rooms with people
Ironically, I have a vast repertoire of Bedroom Clothes, but only the type that are decidedly *not* for sleeping in. If you want 20,000 words on How To Bedroom Clothe, I AM YOUR GIRL. I have bedroom-specific shoes FFS.
Fun fact: I was excused from 9am lectures for my 2nd and 3rd years of university as a result
No, you can’t have your phone in the room for these. Buy a Bluetooth speaker. I have the Sonos Roam and it still reviews as one of the best around. Or use Bluetooth headphones/ear pods.
I bought mine when I was in the US, it was $349 instead of the UK £349.
Insightful as ever!