How To Talk About Cosmetic Work - Part One: What To Do When People Say Unhelpful Things
More people than you'd think can be complete assholes... (one example is Dan from Near Bristol)
Once you start a foray into cosmetic work - even if you never end up having any - you’ll find that people fall over themselves to share their unsolicited opinions about it with you.
Also, some people are just still a bit weird about cosmetic work. In the 21st century, we’re somehow in a situation where there are ads for plastic surgery in the loos of shopping malls and endless hours of people revealing their work online, yet a significant chunk of the population still think that cosmetic work is indicative of some sort of moral imperative. Spoiler: it isn’t.
It’s always interesting to me when people get a bit squirmy on this topic but I also accept that that’s where we are for now and can only carry on encouraging you to be more open in your conversations about cosmetic work and to encourage others to share in kind, if and when appropriate.
You are likely to find yourself in some awkward spots when you start talking about this. And that’s frustrating, because the more we talk about the work we have done, the less mysterious it becomes and the better outcomes everyone can have. Which, for some, definitely includes the decision not to have work at all.
Here is my attempt to help you navigate some convs you might find yourself involved in. I do, really, urge you - in the appropriate, safe context - to keep talking about any work you’ve had or are thinking of having.
I have never asked a friend, family member, lover or acquaintance for their opinion about the work I’ve had done, nor asked anyone what their opinion of cosmetic work is.
And yet, people have said all of the following to me at some point, unasked and entirely unprompted:
“I don’t think you should have had your nose done, and I wish you hadn’t”
My inner monologue:
I mean… I don’t think you should have married your utterly appalling husband and I wish you hadn’t inflicted him on me for years. But I didn’t, for a moment, think to tell you so, even though he was making you demonstrably unhappy, whereas my nosejob has often been a source of substantial delight to me.
If someone says something like this to you:
It’s awful and they shouldn’t have and I’m sorry
This is almost always a projection of an insecurity that they have and has nothing at all to do with your appearance1
You do not owe it to them to explain your decision to get cosmetic work done. Just change the subject.
If they persist, set a boundary and tell them that it’s not a topic you find helpful to discuss right now. If they ignore that, I’d encourage you to end the conversation entirely
If you have been having insecurities about the work you’ve had done, do not mention it to this person during this conversation. They’ve already shown that they lack the necessary empathy and kindness to be helpful in this scenario. They may be lovely, even indispensable, in other contexts, but this is not their wheelhouse.
Do (soon) confide in someone better equipped to have the conversation if you’re having a tough time emotionally post cosmetic work.
“All filler looks awful, I don’t think anyone should ever get it”
And then, on learning that I have filler, “Oh. But yours looks very natural. I never would have known.”
My inner monologue:
Well, this is rather the point. Don’t judge all cosmetic work on the basis of cosmetic work that doesn’t match your aesthetic preferences.
While we’re on the subject: what makes you think it’s appropriate for you to judge other people’s cosmetic work? Are you even qualified to do so? Do you really not have anything better to do? Maybe go and volunteer at a shelter or something, instead.
Aaaand, if you’ve witnessed genuinely bad work, perhaps the person who had it didn’t feel empowered to have open conversations about the work they were getting, because of sanctimonious people like you, and therefore had it done covertly by someone they found after the briefest of Google searches.
Also, this sounds as though you’re giving me your blessing and permission to proceed with my autonomous decisions about my face and body? Fuck you very much 😊
*begrudgingly climbs off soapbox*
If someone says something like this to you:
There’s no malice here, some people just have strident views. I have many of my own
You’re not going to persuade them otherwise. You can engage in this conversation if you like, but it’s likely to become annoying quite quickly
My advice is to say “I accept the compliment. Anyway…” and change the topic to something else. Llama sanctuaries or something2.
“I’d rather be as Nature intended” *delivered with smug, rictus grin*
My inner monologue:
If we all lived as Nature intended, a lot more of us would starve, drown and burn to death. I don’t see you living “as Nature intended” when you’re stuffing down some quinoa in Islington in January.
I also can’t help but notice that you’re wearing clothes. So your commitment to Nature obviously has its limits. Other people have different limits. That’s up to them.
Also, also: there’s no moral imperative to whether or not any of us chooses to get cosmetic work. This is a weirdly puritanical stance to take.
Of course, you’re entitled to make whatever choices about your body that you like, but maybe be fractionally more self-aware before bandying this kind of statement around sanctimoniously?
If someone says something like this to you:
Honestly, if you manage anything other than “OH, JUST FUCK OFF” as your immediate reaction, you’re a better person than I am.
If this person is as into Nature as they claim, they’ll likely have some good ideas for a lovely walk. Ask them about that instead.
“I’ve decided to age gracefully” *nuclear smugness*
My inner monologue:
Mate, we’re probably all going to shit ourselves when we die. That’s what awaits us. Graceful’s not even on the table. Some of us will be shitting ourselves with lines on our faces, some of us will be shitting ourselves with fewer lines. That’s it. Those are the options. Both are valid. Neither is superior.
If someone says something like this to you:
Everyone is entitled to age however they like. Including you.
Ask yourself, “What would Joan Collins do right now?” and start mentally planning what fabulous, disgraceful outfits you want to wear when you’re 65. Hopefully this person will have stopped talking by the time you run out of sartorial inspiration.
Your face and body are a lifetime commitment. See who’s laughing in twenty years.
“I get/would get tweakments, but I’d never get any real cosmetic work done.”
Oh tweakments… That word invented by the female journalists who’d spent 10 years railing against anyone who so much as looked in the direction of Botox and then hit 40 and needed to find a way to distance the cosmetic work that they were now having done from all the cosmetic work that they’d slagged off for a decade.
Don’t fall for this shit. Cosmetic work is cosmetic work. That doesn’t mean that I think getting microneedling is exactly the same process as getting a facelift, but it is all cosmetic work.
And this approach still smacks of judgment.
As though there’s some kind of invisible barometer that deems that you have now Cared About Your Looks Too Much and must get back in your box. Or that cosmetic work is an endurance event and you’re only in the Olympics once you’ve had something torn open.
It’s weird, it’s unhelpful and it’s a significant contributor to the conspiracy of silence that prevents us from acknowledging the work that we have done.
If someone says something like this to you:
Remember that people can make whatever choices they like.
Remember that the only opinion of you that matters is your own.
Get the serenity prayer tattooed onto the backs of your eyelids and just take some deep breaths. This conversation will be over soon.
“I suppose you think I should get my [insert relevant body part] done now? If you thought yours was so awful?”
There’s no sardonic response from me for this. This one can be a real kicker, especially if it’s a family member and you’ve had a hereditary trait surgically altered.
My parents both have very strong noses - they’re also both very attractive - and, fortunately, they just let me get on with my surgeries, in exactly the same way as they’ve let me get on with every other thing in my life3. But even my mum came out with the occasional “you might think my nose is too big, but…” in the first couple of years after my nosejobs.
So yeah, I get it.
The thing is, this is their projection onto you. There isn’t anything you can do about that, but remind yourself of it if you’re tempted to give yourself a hard time.
You didn’t do anything wrong. They can’t help their insecurities. Neither of you is to blame here.
There is virtually nothing you can say that will be helpful if this situation arises.
My suggestion, though, is this:
You hug them and say “You’re gorgeous. Exactly the same way as you thought I was gorgeous before I had [your procedure]. I just couldn’t stop thinking about [the body part you had work done to] and I’m a lot happier now that I don’t think about it all the time.”
And then hug some more and go and watch Beaches together.
“So, what else have you had done then? Are your tits real? They can’t be.”
This is one of the perils of talking openly about cosmetic work. It can lead people - and by “people”, I mean catastrophic dickheads - to the assumption that it’s open season for personal disclosure and they can now ask you whatever impertinent question they like.
They can’t. And they should fuck the fuck off with this attitude.
If someone says something like this to you:
(Yet again, I’m so sorry if they do) just remember that they are the ones with the problem, not you, and put as much distance between you and them as soon and as quickly as possible.
There is an alternative, which is to start a Substack and then use it to proclaim publicly:
📢 DAN FROM NEAR BRISTOL WHO NOW LIVES IN NEW ZEALAND AND HAS AN UNHEALTHY PREOCCUPATION WITH BOTH AA AND CROSSFIT THAT IS UNLIKELY TO END WELL:
YOU ARE A CATASTROPHIC DICKHEAD AND I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOUR EX-WIFE.
BE GRATEFUL I’M NOT PUBLISHING YOUR SURNAME, YOU MISOGYNISTIC PIECE OF SHIT.📢
But that’s something of a nuclear option. It feels pretty good though, tbh.
You do you.
A word on your partner
If your partner is actively unsupportive or unkind about your intentions, but they are being dismissive without expressing concerns about your safety or mental well-being, have a serious think about this relationship.
Red flag behaviour - any of these are potential signs that you’re being coercively controlled
“What’s the point, you’ll still be ugly”
“Do you think you’re better than everyone else, running off to get a [insert procedure]”
“I wanted to use that money for [thing that benefits your partner, but not you/your family]” if you are spending money that you have earned/won/inherited.
“My mum says only sluts4 get surgery”
“Your [whatever body part you’re considering work on] is fine, get your [insert body part of your partner’s choosing] done instead”
If you suspect your partner is coercively controlling you, there is support available in the UK here and in the US here.
In contrast, green flag examples of concern would be:
“You’ll be using the money we agreed we were saving for a deposit on a house and didn’t discuss it with me first. I’m not very happy.”
“This is your third surgery in three years and you weren’t happy after the last two. What’s different this time?”
“You’ve had a lot of work done recently and it feels as though you’re turning into a different person. Can we talk about what’s going on for you?”
“We don’t have this money for this”/“I’m not lending you the money for this.”
These aren’t looking to demean or disempower you, but rather to address some potentially valid concerns about your relationship or wellbeing.
In closing
Please do discuss the work you’ve had done, or the work you’re thinking of getting done in the appropriate time and context, with a safe audience.
It may take you a while to work out who this is a safe topic to discuss this with. People can be really disappointing at times, it’s part of the human condition.
I’ve specifically referenced partners, but if reading this you’ve realised that you have a friend, family member or colleague that is displaying the red flag behaviours referenced here, think very carefully about what access you give them to you. Not just in the context of your conversations about cosmetic work, but in general.
People come and go in our lives and if you’ve realised that a relationship of any type has become unhelpful to your wellbeing, consider ending, pausing or scaling back your involvement with that person, if possible.
If you’re having conversations that you deem to be frustrating, but fall in my ‘green flag’ category, respond with kindness to that person as you try to find your way through together.
If you’ve had a disappointing, difficult or frustrating conversation with anyone and it’s still rankling, stick it in the comments here. Unburden yourself. Clear the energy. Out a Dan 😊
More on this in Part Two
I have no idea why this came to mind, but it did and I’m committing.
Hands-off parenting was taken to the next level in the Duchet household. No-one gets through being parented unscathed IMO 😂.
Sadly, the list of derogatory terms about women is almost endless (as Dan from near Bristol ably evidenced the one time I met his sorry ass), so apply as relevant