How To Talk About Cosmetic Work - Part Two: How Not To Say Unhelpful Things
Don't be the asshole in a conversation about someone else's appearance
I know, I know. You’re a person of impeccable sensitivity and irreproachable benevolence.
Me too.
I’ve still been a massive asshole to people on occasion. Sometimes intentionally1, sometimes unintentionally.
I will illustrate:
My very dear friend Bee2 often gleefully reminds me of the time when I was about 16 and was involved in the following conversation:
(What immediately preceded this conv is lost to the annals of history.)
RD: At least I have eyebrows3.
Me: At least I have ankles.
This was a killer blow. Eyebrows can grow back (I promise), but an ankle can never be whittled.
It was a moment of thoughtless cruelty that I very much regret, and I hope that RD has forgotten it. Or at least takes comfort from the fact that I have never been allowed to forget it. Nor do I want to, actually.
I feel particularly gruesome about this, as my first surgeries were 2 rhinoplasties to ‘fix’ a nose that I never thought was a problem until other people let me know that, actually, it was too big. And also ugly.
So, by the time I threw this casual jibe at RD, I already knew how wounding other peoples’ words could be, and how much I agonised over them privately4. AND I DID IT ANYWAY.
Because we are often a bit too casual about letting people know how we feel about the way they look.
Those of us who grew up in the 90s and 00s - the age of Heat magazine and the dawn of social media - were actively encouraged to talk shit about other people, highlighting their flaws.
I could write about this for days, and I may yet do so. In the meantime, these provide some decent context and summaries of how toxic that time was.
Some insidious shit over at Now Magazine
The eventual demise of Now Magazine
Just as we were riding the crest of that wave, along came Facebook and its even more looks-obsessed future partner, Instagram.
And saying awful things about other peoples’ appearances became the norm.
Enough admiring the problem, now what?
First things first:
Most negative things that we say about other peoples’ appearance are projections of our own insecurities, and/or are generational insecurities that have unhelpfully been handed down by our parents or other caregivers and landed in our own psyches.
Some people grow up in families where saying anything positive about others is discouraged. The belief being that the recipient of the compliment will become an egomaniac or a raging prima donna.
If you grew up in a family like this, you can’t help your upbringing, but please shed any feelings that it’s wrong to say nice things to others.
Sincere compliments are lovely.
Anything negative that you say about the way someone else looks is much more reliable as an indicator of your insecurities than as an indicator of that person’s appearance.
Don’t give an unsolicited negative opinion to anyone about their appearance
Don’t kid yourself that you’re just trying to be ‘helpful’.
People are usually cruel enough to themselves. Why on earth would you want to add to that?
If someone already has an insecurity or vulnerability, you are not going to improve matters by stomping in and giving them your critique of it, uninvited.
If they’re not insecure about the aspect of their appearance that bothers you, don’t pass on your shit to them. Don’t give them a complex to avoid having to deal with your own.
This includes if you think that this aspect of their appearance is hindering them in some way. Don’t do it unasked.
If someone in your life complains about a situation that you believe a change in their appearance could improve/prevent:
Ask them first if they’re open to a reflection. Someone’s venting is not an open door for you to abruptly pour your opinion through. They may just be venting.
Only if they are open, approach this gently. Particularly if they have no current misgivings about that aspect of their appearance. Speak to them with the same care and delicacy with which you’d like someone to broach something difficult with you.
If you frequently feel compelled to share a negative opinion with people about the way that they look, uninvited, I urge you to take a look inward to examine what’s driving that.
Also, recognise if you regularly say negative things about peoples’ appearances to other people.
You’re almost certainly not to blame for the thought patterning that’s led you to those behaviours, but you are responsible for identifying and addressing them.
This includes indulging in critiquing celebrities’ appearance
As above, you’re not to blame for this behaviour; we were actively encouraged to do this by the media. Celebs have been considered fair game in this regard for decades. Centuries.
It’s become truly insidious since the anonymous keyboard warriors have joined the party. Look at any tabloid article5 about any famous woman doing literally anything. The comments (and often the article) will invariably focus on her looks. The comments will often be split 50/50 between two factions, one of whom thinks she is the most phenomenal person in the history of all creation, the other that she is the most repellant hag to ever draw breath. It’s gross and both are unhelpful.
I’m not trying to prevent you from having opinions6, but I would like to stem the tide of vitriol openly directed at women7 in the public eye.
If you think someone looks dreadful because of the amount of/quality of cosmetic work that they have had done, you are absolutely entitled to that opinion. But please consider:
Not widely sharing that opinion
Does everyone really need to know that you think X’s facelift is botched? Why?
Feeling compassion for X for having had the work done. Let your thoughts live in that energy, rather than the energy of disdain or judgment.
What about when you ARE solicited for feedback about someone’s appearance, but you feel negatively about their appearance?
Whether they’ve had cosmetic work or not, when a person asks how you feel about how they look, they’re exposing their vulnerability to you. Usually, they’re looking for reassurance.
If you’ve ever watched an episode of Say Yes To The Dress8 where the bride-to-be comes twirling excitedly out of the fitting room in The Dress Of Her Dreams and her mum shits on it9, this is the energy that you should avoid AT ALL COSTS10.
Make sure your negative reaction isn’t grounded in a subjective prejudice that you hold. e.g. “I hate pink”, “Everyone looks worse with cosmetic work”, “Women over 60 shouldn't have long hair”.
If you’re certain that this thing (a dress, a haircut, eye bags, midriff, toenails, WHATEVER) is objectively detrimental to a person’s appearance and that reassurance is not appropriate in this instance, then tell the truth, as kindly as you are able. The aim here is compassion, not criticism, no matter how much you might be itching to make ‘constructive’ remarks.
I worked in retail for a couple of years11 and it taught me a lot about how to make people feel beautiful. If someone came out of the fitting room GLOWING in a pair of trousers that I thought were too tight, it was NOT my job to wipe that smile off her face. Let her wear those tight trousers with that smile. The smile was far more beautiful than those trousers would have been in a bigger size.
Equally, if someone came out unsure, it was the best part of my day to be able to say “OMG, you look fantastic!” if she did, indeed look fantastic. If she was unsure and didn’t look fantastic, it was extremely easy to say something like, “The thing is, you have such great arms that it seems a shame to cover them”, or “That one’s a funny length on everyone,” or “With [positive quality -which EVERYONE has] like yours, you might like X even better?” and then I’d coax them into something more flattering if they were willing.
None of it was about emphasising the less-good bits. Deliver your message in this spirit.
If there’s something that you’re dying to say to a friend about your misgivings about the cosmetic work that they have had (or are considering)
Why not drop it in the comments here first? Then at least it’s out of your system and out in the world.
And then look at it, as it stares back at you in black and white, and think about how you’d feel if someone you loved and trusted said that to you, unprompted.
Then, identify in yourself why it’s so incredibly important to you that your friend is aware of your negative opinion of something that they’re probably already vulnerable about.
And then check with yourself whether you still really need to say it.
Is there any chance that you’re just being an asshole?
Is the work they’re getting/considering genuinely in contravention of The Rules?
In case you need reminding:
Ok, so if you’re genuinely concerned that someone you love is having work that contravenes the six rules, then they are probably talking about their work/appearance an unusual amount; they may even have asked you to lend them money to get more work.
When they talk about it, ask them if they’re willing to hear a reflection and - only if they are - let them know your concerns as gently as possible.
Ground it in neutral, objective language as far as you can. You may find it easier to start with a general conv and then get into the specifics of your concerns.
An intro might look like:
“Will [whatever the procedure is] be your sixth procedure this year? I’m clueless, can you explain to me how [the procedure] works? What outcome are you hoping for from this one?”
Or maybe just send them this page as something they might be interested in. I can take it from there 😉
The thing that almost certainly won’t change their mind
Any variation of:
You’re lovely just as you are
You don’t need work
What are you wasting your money on that for
As I will continue to type until my keyboard wears down: cosmetic work bears little to no relation to how the person looks. It’s about how they feel about how they look. What’s actually, objectively, reflected back to them in the mirror can be in total contrast to how they feel about what they see.
You can’t persuade them out of feeling the way that they do. And you certainly should not try to shame them, please. Be compassionate, remind them that you love them and suggest therapy as an initial alternative to the procedure they’re considering. Be prepared for them to disagree with you. This is their prerogative.
Final thing
If someone tells you how happy they are with their appearance/an aspect of their appearance, never, EVER respond to this by telling them that you disagree with them, and why. This is one of the reasons that we have thoughts.
I actually have a gift for being kind of an asshole.
Hi Bee!
My eyebrows at roughly that age
I’ll write about this in more detail in a post about my nosejobs next month.
Or - even better - don’t and cut their circulation off at the knees.
I have grave misgivings about unwieldy eyelash extensions, aggressive inexpertly-applied contouring, extreme brow lamination and many other topics, but I don’t have to be unkind in expressing it, nor regale other people with my views, unprompted.
And men, but women are disproportionately the objects of ire about their physical appearance in a way that the majority of men are not.
If you haven’t, I urge you to. I once watched about 15 episodes back-to-back and do not regret a moment of it.
This is a metaphor in this context
From 1:29-5:40 of this video is a masterclass in what not to do if someone asks for your opinion about how they look. (Regardless of how you may feel about aesthetic choices made by any participants in this clip.)
I have never been better at a job than I was at selling clothes 😂