Procedures I would get if they existed
My fantasy cosmetic work wishlist - join me on this flight of whimsy...
So, to reiterate, NONE OF THESE are real (or they don’t exist in a methodology/efficacy that I would want), but I wish they were.
Finger lengthening/nail bed reshaping
I know. This is an odd place to start.
But I have weirdly small, hot little hands. People are usually sceptical of my certainty that I’m going to have smaller hands than them, but I always, always do1.
I LONG for long, cool, elegant fingers.
I was also a chronic nail biter for years - I gave it up For Love in my late 20s2 - and my nail beds are still very shallow as a result. I try not to be preoccupied by how other women look3, but I get obsessed with some women’s nail beds.
So if surgery existed, I’d be all over this.
I wish I was a little bit taller
Cue Skee-Lo. Obviously
My mum is 5 foot 7 (170cm), my dad is 5 foot 10 (177cm). I’m 5 foot 4 (164cm).
This is statistically unusual and for years I blamed my French heritage (my dad is French). Then, only a few years ago, I was told that I was because I started my period so early (I was eight - I wouldn’t wish this on anyone) and girls typically stop growing within 2-3 years of menarche. I was 5 foot 4 at 11 years old and then it was Game Over.
You can get leg-lengthening surgery but it sounds INSANE and is wildly expensive (£$50k). And I don’t just want longer legs, I want to be A Taller Person all over. Put me on a rack or something.
Eyelash implants (that aren’t mental)
So eyelash implants are available as a surgery - a friend’s aunt actually had this done - but they currently involve implanting hair from your scalp into your eyelids and you then have to cut and curl them regularly as they make your [head] hair grow out of your eyes.
It’s like something from a horror movie IMO.
What I want is for medical science to find a way to induce distichiasis - which Liz Taylor had naturally.
Until then…
I’ve written before about how much I love a lash extension, but they are high maintenance, incredibly expensive, finding a good lash tech can become a life’s work and they ruin your actual lashes.
Latisse4 works, but it turns my eyelids purple.
I get by at the moment with a combination of L’Oreal lash primer and Max Factor Masterpiece Max5 but this doesn’t give me extensions’ “I woke up like this” benefits, so I continue to hope for a surgical breakthrough here.
Full body Profhilo
This is technically available, but would cost about $6500 every six months.
So, I’m looking for a full-body collagen boost at the epidermal level for about $200. Get on it, Science.
Lip/eyeliner tattooing (that isn’t mental)
God, I wish this had better outcomes.
It seems to go one of 3 ways:
Catastrophic from the outset and hopefully it eventually wears off
Looks ok for 2 months, then disappears completely
Looks ok for 12 months, then dissolves unevenly, with some never dissolving and you’re permanently left with a 2018 lip colour trend on your 2035 lips
And that’s before we get into the risks of scarring or infection.
I get microblading but even that gives me anxiety every single time. I’m not ready to roll the dice on anything else in this space.
Part of the issue is that the products are being developed by the tattoo community, rather than one (or more) of the major cosmetic houses. But Estée Lauder aren’t interested in giving us the opportunity to buy less makeup (or fewer products to subsequently remove it with), so this one is unlikely to improve any time soon.
*Sigh*
Fat melting procedure that isn’t risky
I wrote about this here for the paid community:
In summary: all the current options are fraught with danger and I just want someone to be able to reshape me all over quickly and without anything exploding6.
My potential billion-dollar-idea
Ok… I want to be able to swallow a gastric balloon that inflates when it reaches my stomach, lasts for 2 weeks at a time (for slimming emergencies) then it dissolves and your stomach goes back to normal and you can go back to eating six-packs of Pickled Onion Monster Munch with gay abandon7.
Right???
I mean, we have Ozempic now, I guess.
So maybe I’ll have to revert to my backup plan of marrying MySpace Tom to spend the rest of my days in the lap of luxury.
But I still think this is an absolute winner. I might just be ahead of my time. Like Ada Lovelace.
Until the next time! x
I should maybe add this to my Bumble bio 🤔
My willpower ultimately lasted a lot longer than that relationship
This took a lot of work and I still lapse occasionally.
AKA Bimatoprost
The greatest volumising mascara at any price point
Disclaimer: no-one has actually exploded so far, to my knowledge. But I certainly don’t want to be the first.
If you *do* eat six packs of these in a sitting, be aware that the entire inside of your mouth will melt off in strands over the next 72 hours afterwards. I think it’s a small price to pay for this epicurean delight, but you may disagree.