How To Talk About Cosmetic Work - Part Three: Talking to surgeons, practitioners and other healthcare professionals
Final part of this 3-part series about cosmetic work conversations. Today: how to talk to the people you'll consult with along the way
I talk about it here, but your conversations with practitioners with whom you’re consulting should always be in neutral, objective language.
The aim of your convs with practitioners is twofold:
Make sure that they understand what outcome you want from the procedure
Are you and they confident that they can achieve that outcome
I will remind you again that cosmetic work is not a silver bullet. It is not magic. It will not miraculously heal your broken heart, restore your self-worth or make up for the fact that you had a crappy childhood.
So when you talk to a practitioner, be very clear about the physical effects that you want to achieve from the procedure.
Avoid:
I want to look younger/30 again/10 years younger (all versions of this are subjective)
I want to be more beautiful (subjective and non-specific)
I don’t know what I want, but I feel shit and thought this might help (deeply non-specific and disempowering)
Make me look like XXX (No. Just… no.)
Instead:
I don’t want these crow’s feet any longer
I want my chin to be proportionate to the rest of my face
I want to improve my skin texture so that it’s smoother and more even-toned
I want to remove this redundant skin
I don’t like the way my jowls look on Zoom calls
Borderline:
I feel like I look angry/tired/worn out and I don’t want to any longer.
I would very much prefer you were more specific and targeted in your requirements, but if you’re talking about non-surgical work, I’m aware this may be your starting point. It may also be that you’ve been unable to pinpoint what the cause of this is, and you’re hoping your practitioner can solve this for you.
The reality is that those things are likely symptoms of some other stress/dissatisfaction/exhaustion in your life.
It is far more sustainable for you to do the inner work1 to try to make environmental changes where you can rather than trying to address these via cosmetic procedures.
There’s another version of this, where one day you may look in the mirror and suddenly not recognise the face that’s looking back at you.
Again, please try to be very specific with your practitioner about the specific areas of your face or body that you feel have altered unfavourably. You can absolutely take photos of yourself to a consultation, point out the changes that you’re seeing today and ask what is achievable if your aim is to turn the clock back.
I am duty-bound to remind you that it’s not going to be possible to reverse time.
Boundaries
Don’t get talked into anything you don’t want or feel you don’t need
This can be a delicate balance.
When you’re engaging the services of a cosmetic/surgical practitioner, you are paying for their expertise. It may be that your rhinoplasty surgeon recommends a chin implant as well as a nose job. Or that the person you’re getting laser facials from advises you that no further improvements are possible without surgery/injectibles.
To navigate this:
Consultations with multiple practitioners are helpful.
If four different, reputable, expert practitioners at separate, unaffiliated practices all tell you that the results you want aren’t possible without extra steps, they are likely telling the truth - as inconvenient as this may be.
If, though, you felt you were getting shady advice and this is borne out by further consultations with other practitioners: congrats on dodging a bullet!You need to be aware that you’re in a vulnerable situation and be very comfortable with your “no” if you feel that someone is suggesting something that you’re not up for. I get a squirmy feeling in my stomach when it happens to me, and I’m - slowly - getting better at acknowledging and trusting that feeling.
What someone upselling can look like
Aka my experiences with The Botox Witch2 (TBW)
When I first started getting Botox, I had not yet written the Six Rules - and no-one else had either - so I didn’t have a blueprint to work from.
As a result, the first Botox I got - in 2010 - was from a doctor who worked out of a tiny room in the back of a hairdresser’s near my office in Canary Wharf3.
She was a competent injector - and an amazing advert for her own work, with zero lines on her face at 52 years old. But she used to upsell like an absolute bastard.
I was 32 when I first started getting Botox and had quite deep forehead lines, that I wanted to get rid of.
From the first time I saw TBW, she would try to persuade me that I should also get my crow’s feet done. Feigning concern, she’d look at me sadly, “Not eyes?”
No, not eyes. I was 32, FFS.
Every time, “Not eyes?”.
No, Botox Witch, not eyes. I had started referring to her as this, because of how demoralising it was every time I saw her. It did not occur to me to switch injectors4.
Her malicious glee peaked one day when I was in the chair, bleached out under harsh surgical lighting, which, on reflection, she must have brought with her. She’d done my forehead and frown areas then, when I was lying there, prone and helpless, she got out a massive magnifying mirror - it was about 2 feet wide and a foot high - and handed it to me. As I gripped this giant self-loathing device, she started pointing out just how ‘bad’ the (minor) lines around my eyes were.
I am proud to report that I did not bend to this outrageous intimidation - life is not lived under surgical lighting, nor through a magnifying mirror - but it did still take me about another 18 months to get around to finding a new injector5.
I share to let you know: THIS KIND OF SHIT HAPPENS AND IT IS NOT OKAY.
Other versions of this
Practitioners/surgeons who offer you an additional procedure that you’re not keen on, but offer a reduced rate if you combine procedures
Practitioners who offer financing options if you say you can’t afford additional treatments that they have recommended
Practitioners who offer additional procedures that you’ve specifically said you’re not interested in
Practitioners who make you feel uncomfortably less attractive than you felt when you walked in and then propose a ‘solution’ to a problem with your appearance that they’ve just fabricated.
None of these are ok. If you experience any of these during a consultation or a procedure, just leave as soon and as graciously as you are able and don’t give that practitioner the benefit of your time or money again.
If you feel bold enough, I would love it if you would say to them “I do not appreciate how you just made me feel” as you sashay out of their door forever.
A quick word on practitioner reactions
Some practitioners haven’t quite worked out that people show up in their establishment in various states of vulnerability and they can be a little detached in their diagnosis.
It may be that you encounter a practitioner whom you feel agrees a little too readily with your assessment of your own flaws.
A funny thing can happen when you walk through a practitioner’s door, where a tiny part of you might hope that they take one look at you and say incredulously “But you have the finest bosom [or equivalent] in all of the land! Why on earth would you need my assistance?”.
Don’t be offended if you go to a practitioner, present a body part that you think could be improved upon, and they agree with you. Their agreement is not evidence that there’s anything inherently ‘wrong’ with you. It just means that their professional opinion endorses your own view that an improvement is possible.
This is a judgement call, where, again, you need to trust your instincts.
There is an ocean of difference between:
Someone looking at you intently with professional inquisitiveness, then nodding vigorously and saying “Yes, you do have extremely deteriorated skin on your hands” when you’ve gone in to talk about your concerns about your very wrinkled hands, which you’ve been complaining to everyone about.
vs
Someone looking at you when you’ve gone in to ask about the loose skin on your neck, then shaking their head and saying “Yes, you do have excess creping of the skin on your neck. And the skin on your chest and lower arms is in bad shape too. And you could probably use an eyelid lift.”
Run from the practitioner in the second scenario.
Read this before you set off:
Make sure you know, objectively, what outcome you want and that you can articulate this in words. Practise beforehand if you need to.
Have a healthy respect for your practitioner’s expertise, but listen to your intuition if something feels ‘off’.
If talking to this practitioner makes you feel worse about your appearance, not better, then leave.
If you feel like you’re being ‘sold to’ rather than advised, leave.
Be certain that they have understood what you want before you conclude the consultation/go ahead with the procedure.
Yes, that again. #sorrynotsorry
Yes, I do understand that the term “witch” has been used as a tool for the oppression of women for centuries and that many witches are benign, wonderful and powerful. Not to mention beautiful. But I didn’t know any of this in 2010 and that’s when I coined her nickname. So, trust me: some witches are still bad and she’s one of the Bad Ones.
So, yes, a lot of stuff that I now advise against. I now hope to prevent your suffering; do not let mine have been in vain.
As above, DO NOT DO AS I DID.
Who I still see now and is a festival of delight